What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 10:40
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was in good health!
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I couldn’t, believe it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was seconnd youngest,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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It was going to be , some day.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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And i lived it daily.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Is it okay if I sleep with my brother without my husband knowing?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But, we were locked up after school.
I waited trembling.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was scared of men, in general
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
So whats the point in blame.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
When she asked me how she looked .
He resisted the act ,that day.
I will be 64.
But it wasn’t much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I don,t even have a pension.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She loved him until the end.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I write beautiful poetry .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I could never make a relationship work though!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I said to her
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Comes on , in middle age.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Who then, do I blame.?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I have no regrets .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was very sick at this time too.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
What did i know ?
He knew the spot.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
All the time i was locked up.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im still living with it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She wouldn,t have been !
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We all went to grammer schools
So, i spoilt her more .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Put me off passion for life!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We were not on the streets..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She married twice! .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
This is soul school!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My family never makes their pension either.
I was 9 years of age.
Ive learnt so much.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She found it foreign!.
Would this be the day?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But ive been too sick for many years..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My life is so biszare .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One cannot live in the past .
I never cut or harmed myself..
As i do to all so called friends.?
I think the readers, may guess!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!